neoacidcreep

This dream is coming to an end and the reality, or gravity, is starting to sink-in.  I knew this honeymoon period would eventually end and the problems of four dynamic human beings would begin to descend into every aspect of our communal lives, but I was weak, again, and allowed myself to believe that we could dream a little longer.

One of my roommates wants to have a house meeting tonight to tell the others she is moving out, within like two weeks, probably.  She told me first because: A) I prodded her about what was the cause for the house meeting.  And B) I would like to believe that Karin and I have actually bonded and become quite close.  I would like to believe B more then A, I didn't really push the subject that hard, merely saying "So, wanna talk about it?" and then we did.

I don't like this feeling; I don't like those around me to be unhappy and I guess she is.  To the point of actually having to leave our company so that she might become a better person.  I don't like this feeling one bit.

Here I am again, stuck in the middle of a situation that I had little to nothing to do with creating and yet being forced into the awkward predicament of having to decide validity and moral rightness.  Monetary issues aside; Karin lives here with her boyfriend, Macs (Macsen, pronounced Max.), if she moves out, when she moves out, I am going to have to basically pick which friend I want to keep.  I will pick both, and that will just make more problems for me.

I really care about both Macs and Karin.  I enjoy both of them immensely; I love talking to them and between the both of them they cover the entire realm of material I ever need to, or want to, talk about.  Karin has this earthy logic that I abhor and adore at the same time.  Her outlook on life and the world, although completely different then mine, she is still calm, compassionate, and understanding of my outlook and the differences we share in our views.  She justs gets that we won't see eye-to-eye on everything, so she let's go that which does not truly matter.  Macs is much the same except he is a more ethereal character; he is the quintessential Taoist, and I simply love that about him.  Him and I have similar views on the world but don't connect on our social mores. 

It is an odd dichotomy that I have formed with these two people; although we are utterly different in background and moral philosophy, I genuinely believe we have breached the gulf and have a strong relationship.  I would like them to stay in my life for a little bit.  With this now though ...it'll just make everything harder.  I will feel guilty about Karin leaving.  I will feel guilty if I want to go grab a cup of coffee with her.  I will feel guilty if she ask me about Macs.  I will just feel guilty.

I am trying to rationalize with a wonderful little Lumley epitaph "What will be, has been."  I am taking it out of context and trying to use it in this case but it depresses me even more.  It seems so fatalist, I don't like to believe that the future is immutable and we are all just speeding along, or more aptly, being drug along by Destiny.  I am not a determinist in any way shape or form, but I feel like it is the only way to look at this situation; that these next few weeks of events were all set-up well before I entered the picture.  That this whole time has only been the logical playing out of events that were bound to happen. 

Paradoxically; I am running to determinism to make me feel better about a what is happening and yet don't believe it exists.  Again I am just lying to myself, trying the only way I know how to cope with the world around me, i.e. close my eyes and just keep saying "This is only a dream.  I will wake-up one day and then the real world will start."  How many years have I been acting like a child closing their eyes believing that to see is to be seen, that somehow because I don't accept the world that don't have to deal with any of the ramifications?  I am even aware that I do it; I did it when I moved here (to a degree), I've been doing it for a few weeks since the "good period" started to end and the little petty bullshit stuff began to pester even me with my infinite patience. 

I could extrapolate backwards as well.  I could get into past relationships (friends/girlfriends/"partners") and how I would allow myself to just not think about "it", whatever that all encompassing "It" was at the time, varying anywhere from being a dick for the sake of being a dick or to the extremes of cheating on mates and lying to friends.  I am supposed to be an existentialist and take responsibility not only for my actions but the entire scope of those around me, on the periphery or in the center of my vision.  I am supposed to try to uplift peoples lives and make them understand that we can only be praised for what we do/think if we are Free-Beings, living outside of the influence of any type of deity or idea; there doesn't need to be a God or Destiny for our lives to be lived, to the contrary our lives are lived more richly if these "concepts" don't take an active role in our development.

During crisis though I fall right back into the role of the scared child with a sheet over my head worried that the demons will rip me asunder.  Is it that all of us just don't ever fully grow out of that primal-visceral response to crisis?  Or is it just me still trying to revolt against the imposed social norms that, supposedly, want to break me down and turn me into some kind of culturally-obsessed cretin praying to false idols for a new big-screen, high-def, television so that I might watch that next epochal sporting event so that for a few minutes I can feel like part of something greater then my dismal life?  A more stream-lined form of that question would be: Am I trying to find enlightenment or am I trying to find little tricks to escape myself?

Is all the philosophy, and religion, and sociology, and the attempts at art, and meditation, and the striving, and the seeking, is it all just "the devil's wine"?  Is it sustenance or is it merely something to do?  Am I any closer now to any goal then I was knee-deep in a cocaine binge?  Is there a real difference between the two types of mental masturbation I engage on in a fairly regular basis; are the drugs and philosophy the same means to the same ends, i.e. Nothingness?  Am I just tricking myself into believing that I am an evolving creature and have the moral authority to look-down upon someone else sating the void in them self in a divergent, but equally noble or ignoble, way?  Am I, at the basic level, any different then the "typical-modern-Man" that I so righteously deplore and go out of my way to prove that I am nothing like?  Is Pascal not the same as screaming nonsense about how "We got into the playoff!", or "My team is doing great!", or (the worse one yet) "I am a Yankee!!"?  Does, what I am trying to complete in my life, have merit or is it just something to do to not have to deal with the "Real World" in any form of potentially negative ways?

I know I am more-or-less asking the same question over and over again.  I am aware of that.  I just feel, sometimes, that before any kind of real inquiry can begin the question that is being disputed has to be established and understood.  Also, I always prefer to have the version of any question that conveys the most poignant of concepts while simultaneously being the simplest form, ideally, so simple that even a baby will grasp the core idea of the question.

Hobbes talked about this concept at great length in the Leviathan, despite that I didn't like the bulk of the book, the subject discussed, or that it is even classified as "Philosophy", I agree with his idea that some type of formal understanding, in regards to the language being used, has to be established at the beginning of any discourse lest the entire diatribe be subject to the tragedy of falling into error.  I did enjoy that he eloquently destroyed the Dialectic method, I never like that method and feel it is only insulting to the person you are using it against, I try to regulate its use to only when I am talking to the un-inundated.

Posing questions without answers.  Calling out the universe without having a point to make.  This whole entry was just to avoid having to deal with the reality of what is going on at home.  Just hitting the snooze alarm one last time.