neoacidcreep

I'm an evil person; I realize this.

I am going to Hell for the sins I have committed, will commit, and am in the process of committing. I am just an evil person. It's not necessarily bad...I just happen to be a void of emotional attachment. I keep playing with those around me as though this was a game, as if their emotions were an illusion, a phantasm, another punch-line waiting for me to make the joke for.

I still hold those I, supposedly, love at arms length; bring them in deep enough that I can get my needs met, but keep them far enough at bay that I will never actually be hurt by them. Well except her, but she is the inverse of this maxim I am coming to realize I have.

Where with others, it is about me. I am only worried about exerting my mental ability onto them ("writing them") and gleaming what I can in that moment out of them, once I have my fill...I discard them as if they were nothing to me.

People put this insane amount of faith and respect into me and have such high expectations of my personality-or they have no expectations of me (which I prefer)-that I cannot live up to them. As debasing as it may seem, I just give up. The more people expect out of me, the more I am prone to just give-up and do the opposite.

That's merely an excuse though. I am skirting the real issue, avoiding the the real problem, viz. that I still use people for my own ends. I experiment with peoples reaction like a mad-scientist tampers with God's handy-work.

Today I am assailed by this. I know, today, that I am evil. It occurs to me how many girls are in close proximity to me, how badly I want to desecrate their sanctity. I want to burn the sacred cross of their virginity, I want to penetrate all their holes, make them scream obscenities and swear allegiance to only my dark desires, and then discard them. It is not the sex, or the release, that I want from them; it is merely the knowledge that I have control over them, that they bend to my will.

With her, I have no control. She is the dominant, I can only guess as to what she is thinking. I am unable to know what she desires, I lose my skill, my ability, I am a little boy again trying to know what to do. I grow tired though. I am always in control, to be dominated is the ultimate goal, not to just give-in and blindly fumble into actions I pray she wants, but I can't keep up the game.

Blindness suits me poorly; control or willingly relinquishing of control. That is what I am used to. Either I am the one in control or I have chosen not to be. With her I am forced into not being in control. It is killing me. Then some moron-eight-teen year old tart walks by, our eyes meet, I think my dark thoughts, dream my diseased dreams, and break eye-contact. I have to keep this fallacy of normalcy up for as long as possible...

It is not that I would do anything, I just don't like thinking so base. At the end of the day...she's still my bestfriend...