I keep fading in and out. I don't feel real anymore.
I have been hitting the stone-hewn bottom of my own inner-turmoil.
It's been...it's been rough for me these last few days. A mixture of withdrawl and a sudden "hitting me" phase, as in the last few months have finally "hit me". I finally am taking personal responsibility for my actions in regard to Tammy and I. I do know that I was withdrawn, went out of my way to stay emotionally reserved, and, basically, planned for the relationship to fail ergo I didn't even really try. "From feast to famine", is all I can think of the situation; by that I mean I went out of my way to try with Liv and that basically drove her away, and then I go out of my way not to try and drove Tammy away.
My fears were confirmed by Gregory earlier today when he informed me he hung out with Liv and they discussed our break-up. I assume Greg brought it up, due to the fact that Liv and I haven't communicated with eachother in several, several, months. So he is my li'l spy...slutever. But apparently she discussed with him that I was too emotionally needy, I "put her on a pedestal" and then "would get upset when she didn't live up to [my] expectations", quoth the Greg. Basically, I knew all this, basically.
The last three days I have just laid in bed. Seriously, just laid in bed. I haven't eaten in three days, I needed a pack of cigarettes yesterday for four hours, I couldn't get up to get them, I didn't goto either one of my jobs for the better part of three days. I just laid in bed. I didn't want to do anything, laying there watching television was taxing my mental capacity.
But; I need to state that i did go see Tammy a day ago or so. She "randomly" left me a message on my Myspace, suspect to begin, so I take the bait and go see her. She shows me what she has changed since I left, she informs me that my stuff was put into a storage unit, she takes me over and shows me my stuff piled upon itself. Depressing. We go back to her place, my old place, she is talking to me about something, I tried to give it my full attention but it became apparent that my mind was elsewhere. So I wait for her to pause and then step-up to her, give it a few seconds to see if she would retreat, then approach closer, wait again, then get right in front of her and lean in and kiss her as tenderly as I could, hoping, praying, pleading that this kiss would be void of any feeling, that it would just be kissing anybody else, not like kissing someone I still wanted.
It wasn't.
My mind blanks and I slip into a samadhi, white lights flash against my eyelids letting me know that this is actually a taste of enlightenment. I stop kissing her and take a step or two back and start shaking my head in a mixture of disgust and disappointment in myself. I shouldn't have kissed her, I shouldn't have enjoyed it, I shouldn't want to do it again. I start to walk to the door, she lazily follows behind me. I get to the door and tell her what I was thinking. I grab her by the waist and kiss her again, kiss her deeply, pulling her closer to me, kissing her roughly. I tell her I want to see her later that night. Circumstances arouse that forced me to flee out the back door.
So I am sitting in the room I am renting just hoping she will call me. An hour goes by and I keep wishing more and more. An hour and a half goes by I am beginning to get dejected. Two hours go by I realize she isn't going to call me, a few minutes later, she calls.
I drive out to see her. She lets me in and we talk for all of thirty seconds and then I grab her and start making out with her. We stand there for a few minutes making out and then I lead her over to the couch and then...well then things got a little out of my control.
We lay naked together for a few minutes trying to keep each other warm with our body heat. We talk a little, I ramble a lot more. A few minutes later we are..we are..."at it" again.
I finally go to leave, I want her to ask me to stay the night. She doesn't. I get in my car and drive back over. When she answers the door I ask her if I can stay the night, she agrees. We lay together for a few minutes, fool around again, and then I finally fall asleep. I wake up a few hours later because she is sleeping far away from me. I tell her to get closer, but end up waking up completely. We talk for awhile, try to fool around again. We joke and laugh for a while, then I leave to go to work.
I am supposed to see her either today or tomorrow; I told her I want to try "dating" her for a while, see if there is anything between us. Later on in the night she made a comment about trying to date. I don't know if I am happy about this or pissed. She did really cut me pretty deep, and yet a part of me still wants to be with her, still wants to wake up with her. I'll see what I see. She's got some making up to do and I figure I don't want any doubt as to whether we could have been or not, so at least this time I will make some sort of effort and we will see what we see.
- (no subject)
-
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
neoacidcreep- January 12th, 2007
depressed
