neoacidcreep

A few months ago I did something bad.  It wasn't that I did bad, somuch as I put myself into a position in which I could have done bad.

Cryptic, aye.

The abridged version of what happened:

I hung out with a girl I used to fool around with, Jenna.  She's a little hottie that I am still very much attracted to.  Irregardless; I was hanging out with her not with the implicit reason to cheat on my girl but I was also very much aware that cheating on her was an option. 

Did I feel bad about this?  Not extensively.  Why am I bringing it up then?  Wait on it.

Now the other thing I feel the need to note is that I have a very big fear of being unwanted.  I need a fair amount of attention to feel like a normal person, I need someone to pay attention to me to make me now that I am cared about.  Being alone is my worst fear and the lack of attention is similar, if not synonymous, with being alone.

What do these two little boring pieces of information have to do with the current situation?

She doesn't show me enough attention.

As simple as that. 

I am starting to feel unloved and uncared for by her, more so then I normally do.  I can feel myself being pulled away from her embrace.  I swear the next girl to show me some attention or, heaven's forbid, effection, I fear my fidelity will shatter and I will faulter into the den of iniquity.  In other words; I am thinking about cheating on her.

Not thinking about cheating insofar as actively pursuing the option of cheating, more that I am worried, worried as in I am notably afraid of, that I will be presented with an opportunity by a young woman that is seeking my attention by lauding me with her attentions...this troubles me, for I fear that it is all that it will take to make me a cheater again.

Adress this to the girlfriend?  Check.  Her have any input/cares/concerns/questions/comments?  Nope.

That is what is hurting me right now.  That I either want to break-up and be done with our dysfunctional relationship or work together to try to develope a better functioning relationship.  I don't want to break-up, necessarily, but I don't know what to do anymore.  I am pulling inward again, allowing myself to retrogress to a more simplistic outlook on friendship and love, which I think is bothering her more then anything else, because I am not talking about myself much anymore.  My new mantra has become "Nothing important, don't worry about it."  That kills her when I say it.

What to do then?  I am between these two positions that I don't really want.  On the one hand there is her, we have our problems but in some distorted way she cares about me and my welfare, and she is familiar and has become a major part of my day-to-day lifestyle.  And then on the other hand there is the potential to have an amazing relationship with none of the downsides that my current one has.

Not to mention the sex, yes, the sex.  This is something I severely need to speak about.  First of all, first a'-fucking-all, she can't cum, or I can't make her cum, hwever one would like to view that whole thing.  Secondly, she never initiates any kind of sexual interplay.  I always have to ask, or beg (again depending on how one views the situation), for any kind of sexual attention; which has subsequently led me to start thinking that I am unattractive and that chicks no longer dig me (I am afraid my cock is going to be  demoted from the demi-god cock to just THE cock).  And lastly, our sex is the same, always the same.  It is the same motions and the same bullshit game each time, there is no variety, no newness.

I used to be with girls that, would fucking cum...often, and were into trying new positions and scenarios.  Normally I was the one that would get freaked and try to bring itback to the tried and true sexuality that I was comfortable with and used to.  Now I am just craving deviance, pure unadulterated deviance.  I want new holes, filthy dialogue, I want to bite, be bitten, smacking, tying, probing, tongues, fingers, multi-hour sex sessions, toys, lubricant, positions, places, public viewings, video, photos, duct tape, rope, whips, food stuffs, viagra...I could go on for days, but I digress.

To put it mildly, I am bored with her, kind of.  There is still some good between us, but I need something to change, her or me.

I also need some input.  I need help with this, I need a judgement call from somebody, anybody, on this.  Should I stay or should I go now?

That is the only reason I posted this, despite not wanting to discuss her any more in this journal I had to open about this topic to have someone give me some input, and to also have some kind of evidence that I was concerned about cheating on her.  I cannot be all bad if I was worried about cheating on her, right?  Some part of me has to still be a little nice, or even a little human, right?