neoacidcreep

Lost in this vapid sea of depression and overall blah-ness.

Pale, decrepit, pitiful, meaningless, worthless, nothingness.

This is where I wake up. Suddenly “coming to” in my car driving to nowhere, I just seem to find myself there, looking out over this expanse of nothing drawing syllogism to my own personal plight. It seemed an apropos place to become aware again. Or at least to push me back on to the path to becoming aware, once again.

”Starting at the Beginning…All Over Again”

Someone once told me that when you get lost, stop, and go back to the beginning, retrace your steps, as it were. So, that is what I shall do. Go back to the point where I liked who I was. Regress back to that guy I enjoyed being near. Get comfortable in my skin again.

Fuck the world.

If you don’t like my attitude, choke on my dick.

Such is my new motto. My mantra of mantras. I have to revert, pull back into myself. Although I have been perplexed by this sudden realization that I have no friends. No one that I can turn to whenever, wherever. I am now more truly alone then ever before and I saddens me more then I ever thought it would. But I have to allow the rot to fall away to the side. If they don’ want to talk to me then I should not talk to, or want to talk to them. The “Mirror of Equality” is a theory I had long ago; it basically asserts that one should put out what the world puts out. Basically the opposite of the golden rule.

Before further assertions as to my current state of mind, let me digress; Matt deleted me from his Myspace and it hit like a fucking brick to the head. I thought Matt and I were boys, brothers even. I know he gets pissed at a lot of the shit I say and do but I always assumed at the end of the day we would get over each other idiosyncrasies, this time though he isn’t even given me a chance to make things right.

It’s such a fucked up way to let me know he is pissed, but I guess that is the only way that him and I could ever stop, either by fiery blow-up or by quiet fizzle. It’s like a star, super-nova or poof.

Slutever.

Along we move.

The beginning: What was the beginning?

An attitude toward life. That was the birth of the Josh I liked and the Josh I want back. It was this “fuck-all” attitude I had, it is what propelled me forward, pushed me into more cerebral heights. I cared about one thing and one thing alone! Fun.

I had fun, at anyone’s expense. I enjoyed myself during the best of times and the worst of times. I loved life and loved loving it. I was enthralled with life, it held me in rapture. I was like a child experiencing this world for the first time. Everything was beautiful, everything was new.

Now I have the exact same experience; everything is old, worn, tired. I have done this and that. I have a minor understanding of what I like and what I don’t. But to go back to that attitude is the goal.

How do you attain an attitude towards life though? Is it not easier said then done?

Too which I reply, quite simply, fuck you