neoacidcreep

Ten, twenty, fifty, one hundred good days in a row and it only takes one to make me realize that, no, I am not ok, I am diseased.

I am roaming around campus looking for Robert and a job and all my thoughts run blood red. In my mind’s eye every person is flayed open so that I may inspect their innards.  Every passing girl I wonder what they sound like when they are screaming for their life.  I hear people next to me, behind me, under me, in me.  I cannot place what happened in the dream from the night prior and what happened earlier.  Troubling.

Days like today to give me some perspective on the whole being a fucking looney tune though.  I am also fairly certain I wouldn’t ever hurt someone, not consciously at least…if I start blacking out again…

“Love can’t be trusted it’s just another weakness we all gonna die.”

“I let the poison leak in through my skin and it corroded my heart away.”

Too many love songs.  Too many little memories of a past I want forgotten. 

I was talking to this kung-fu master the other day and him and I got talking about my whole “enlightenment” thing; I was talking about the guy I once was and the guy that I allowed myself to become, I might have pinned blame on a certain person or two.  We were discussing how you have to change while inside a relationship, but the true sign of love, or the signs of true love, is that despite how much you change, no matter what the other ask of you, no matter what, at the end of the day your other will still make you feel like you.

I have never had that.  Never been with a girl that has been tolerant of what I feel is the core of myself.  I do believe partly due to the fact that I am looked at as a bit of a freak by my significant other because I want to go a few days without eating or spend one day in silence, or when I might not be exceedingly affectionate, or any of the other things that my beliefs may hinder me from doing fully; due, in part, to this feeling that I am being viewed as a freak that I have forsaken many of my core beliefs, many of my core tenants have been forsaken over the course of the last four years.

 Au courant.

Now today comes.  Let loose on the streets to prowl like some kind of diluted sociopath, some watered-down miscreant, I see girls, albeit scantily clad young women, my mind race automatically to sex…deviant sex.  Guys walk past and I suddenly feel like I need to exert my alpha male status, as though I have to pee on them to show them that I have the power.  I don’t understand how I can clearly want a goal and only get further away from that goal.

There is no one left that can hinder my enlightenment and yet I am still no closer now then I was four years ago.  In fact I am now further away then where I was.  The kung-fu master disagrees, I guess I do to to an extent.

Him and I were talking about everything happening for a reason that enlightenment cannot be grasped it has to be earned.  Siddhartha after leaving the samanas said he could have learned as much from the drunkards drinking rice wine or the prostitutes.  And again Siddhartha had to become a wealthy merchant, old, and saddled by the world before he truly attained nirvana.  Jane said it to me once, “you don’t have to be enlightened, you are only twenty.”  At the time I argued, but was half aware that she was right.  The Tao de Ching talks about walking a path and not regretting paths lefts un-traveled.  For fuck’s sake I have that symbol tattooed on my fucking body.

That is what this all boils down to I guess.  I have blamed other’s for my spiritual, not faltering, just merely my spiritual progression.  Because I have progressed to some degree, I know now more then ever that emotion, specifically “love”, is a weakness, that the bonds we form between peoples normal only shackle you (or everyone I know is only going to fuck me over in the end.).  all this attachment and desire, this science and learning, this love and friendship, it is all meaningless.  It is the ropes that tether the soul to the physical realm.

“I have no friend, I make my mind my friend.”

I have this whole store house of quotes and diatribes, treatises and rants all saying that the physical world is shit.  The hand I hold, holds me down.  I know this, god damn do I know this; yet there it is.  I need, oh god, I need people in my life, I can’t get this gnawing feeling of missing Liv to shake off me, so badly am I blinded that the notes I put onto my body so long ago are forgotten.  My moral philosophy is all but discarded and forgotten, neodicism is a fucking joke.

I know what I have to do, I just don’t know if I am strong enough.  I have to collect the broken pieces of my life and forge ahead.  Stop looking to the past to solve my present but use the present to start a future.  Stop mourning a life wasted and start living a life worth merit.  To move on past this depression, to give up on a childhood never had.